First posted on 20 July 2002 ~ "Goodbye."

0720 hours

Used to be able to sleep late, especially if went to bed late the night before. Maybe it's the fever. Maybe it's the need to "wake up" and see things for what they are.

(Thursday night, 18 July) We met for dinner at Holland V. It was very friendly - though as we walked the streets, he would hover uncertainly around me, not knowing what to do, while I walked a distance from him most of the time.

In the park where couples around us were making out behind fogged windows, we talked it out - me mostly. He said it was my temper; the last time, it was about having children. He said my tantrums made him feel that I didn't love him. (Or was he just trying to justify why he doesn't love me by pinning it on me first?) I told him that I had never been angry with him those few weeks that we were both thinking it through. Not even when he first told me that he had gone out with "dragon girl". I asked him why he thought I would be angry, and not sad, which I was. (Was it easier for him to think I was angry so it justifies his walking? Did he think it would not have hurt me? Why is he so fixated with "angry me"? Am I not a person too?)

I told him what I had been thinking about the past week. I asked for the truth, that he had either never loved me or had stopped loving me. No more "becauses" about children and bad tempers. I told him why I choose to be with him, not because he is the best, in which case, he is not, but because I love him. Silence.

I asked him for the courage to just tell me he does not love me - but I know, this is the kind of courage that can daunt anyone. He told me how his mum and sister thought he was better off without me, and how Eve and Adrian were rooting for me. I see now that he told me all these, but not what he himself felt. He let the others around him cast the vote for him.

He didn't think he would start seeing "dragon girl" - she failed the "Clerks" VCD test; she didn't like it though she was ready enough to laugh at his jokes. He said I was still on his mind even when he was with her. And his friend didn't like her. (He let his friend cast the vote against "dragon girl" too.) I've wondered how he could bear not seeing her while thinking about us the past week - perhaps not because he had given me his word, but because he found that he didn't like her that much anyway, or that she was not his "connecting flight".

I brought him back to my place later that night, I wanted him to take away his stuff, our stuff, stuff that would remind me of what I have lost. I couldn't bear seeing them nor did I want to keep what has never belonged to me. He wouldn't take them away; he said he didn't want to break up and then he said that he loved me even though I am not the "best", even though "dragon girl" looked better on paper because she was more well-to-do and more career-conscious. (Ah, but she didn't like Clerks, did she?) The very same words which I said to him in the park. Was he just plagiarising me because it was easier that way or were those his heartfelt words that he needed someone to articulate for him?

I am of course happy to have him "back". I still love him and I want to believe that he was just "lost".

But I was still not sure that he had meant what he said, or that it was just an easy way out.

The next morning, we had breakfast and he gave me a ride to work. He behaved as if nothing had ever happened. He was reluctant to talk about "dragon girl" too or what had happened between us. Was he trying to forget, or did he think it was such a trivial issue that it didn't matter - not even that he had hurt me?

I am back to crying again because I am so afraid they will be right and he will break my heart again when something else comes along, not only looking even better on paper, who also likes "Clerks", and pleases his crazy mother, high-flyer sister and friends.

I can survive this one time. But I dont think I will live through the next, if there should be a second time.

I have smugly thought marriage was just a piece of paper and the heart was what mattered when a couple was committed to each other. Am I wrong or have I been too presumptuous? Is that why Aiden had to tie Carrie down with marriage? (Season 4, Episode 15, "Change of a Dress") But I can never do something out of mistrust. Where is the love in that? Would I not sully my love for him this way? Yet, perhaps, my arrogance has caused this mess now and allowed him to drag this on longer than would otherwise have been possible, by not having to "force" ourselves to relook our relationship within the marriage equation.

Why does everyone tell me I am the one who is putting more effort in the relationship? Why can everyone see that I love him more and am the one who's always fussing over him? Why have I been so fucking blind?

I know now that this calmness in me, is not because I have come to terms, not because I don't care that he doesn't love me, not because I think I can as easily look for and catch a "connecting flight". I have been in denial.

I started this:
I courted him for an entire year (though he would never admit that I had to run after him for a whole year because he didn't like me that much anyway). I am always trying to make him happy and comfortable. (Though he has also made me very, very happy.)

I continued this:
I couldn't or wouldn't see that he has either never loved me or has stopped loving me. (Though I thought he was happy with me too.) I had to go look for the answers to this situation, and pass him the "model answers".

I need to end this:
He seems to have retreated into silence to think about this further. He hasn't told me yet, but I think I should see he has told me with words unsaid. I should end this with my own hand. We don't need the both of us denying this. One of us has to have the courage to do this, and since I was the one who chased him from the start, loved him more, and kept the relationship going, I might as well be the one to end it too.

I've never stopped loving you, baby.


Source: http://azlyrics.com/lyrics/aliciakeys/goodbye.html

"Goodbye" (Alicia Keys)

Mhmn bye bye

How do you love someone
That hurts you oh so bad
With intentions good
Was all he ever had

But how do I let go when I've
Loved him for so long and I've
Given him all that I could
Maybe love is a hopeless crime
Giving up what seems your lifetime
What went wrong with something once so good

How do you find the words to say
To say goodbye
If your heart don't have the heart to say
To say goodbye

I know now I was naïve
Never knew where this would lead
And I'm not trying to take away
From the good man that he is

But how do I let go when I've
Loved him for so long and I've
Given him all that I could
Was it something wrong that we did
Because others infiltrated
What went wrong with something once so good

How do you find the words to say
To say goodbye
If your heart don't have the heart to say
To say goodbye

Is this the end are you sure
How should you know when you've never been here before
It's so hard to just let go
When this is the one and only love I've ever known

So how do you find the words to say
To say goodbye
If your heart don't have the heart to say
To say goodbye.